Embracing the dissertation: Is it possible?

Finally: I have a teeny bit of momentum, a daily writing habit, an approved proposal, and a plan to collect data in the fall. Though many obstacles must still be overcome, I have hope I will eventually finish my degree.

This newfound optimism has prompted a wave of introspection. It’s funny, and also sad, how we humans so often don’t appreciate something until we either have lost it, or realize we might lose it soon. This is the only chance in my whole life to write a dissertation, and the experience will soon be over, never to be seen again. Writing a dissertation is an amazing privilege, really—what a shame for me not to see it that way.

I am now thinking, “I get to write a dissertation” instead of “I have to write a dissertation”. It is amazing how one little word can change the entire meaning of a sentence.

I know my God has appointed me to a certain number of days on this earth. How many of them have I wasted by my “I have to write a dissertation” attitude?

I enrolled in this Ph.D. program in 2004, nearly eight years ago. How much life have I missed out on since then? How many memorable experiences and outings with friends have I refused because I knew I should be working on my paper? Sometimes, I actually worked on it. Other times, I whittled away the time some other way, neither progressing on my research nor enjoying the fellowship/excursion/event. How much have I allowed guilt and stress to sap the joy from a job I love? How many relationships have languished because my eyes were turned inward?

Nearly everyone I know who has completed a dissertation tells me I just need to buckle down and get through it somehow…that it will all be worth it in the end. Then, when you finish, you can get your life back. A colleague shared this wise advice, “Your dissertation doesn’t have to be good—it just has to be done”.

The door hanger sign given to me by our graduate school writing support service says, “a page a day keeps the stress away”. The daily writing habit is supposed to keep me from feeling guilty, and it does. But am I wrong to expect more? Surely there should be more to this than just the absence of guilt! I am a realist. I know some aspects of the dissertation will be tedious, maybe even unpleasant. I’ve read the writing books. They all say I shouldn’t wait for writing inspiration to strike—I need to write even when I don’t feel like writing. I don’t disagree with this, and I am in fact living proof of the transformational power of daily writing. Yet I am not satisfied with merely trudging along, doing my writing duty, knowing this will eventually result in a finished dissertation and maybe even a publication or two.

Is it conceivable that, if I would just get my attitude right, that this process, at least most of it, could be a pleasure? Is it possible that if I feed the writing muse in just the right way, writing could be a delight more often than not?

Instead of the mindset “the only good dissertation is a done dissertation”, can my goal be to write it so well my committee, who is required to read it, will actually find parts of it both enjoyable and interesting? Can good writing give life to even a dry academic tome? (I’m enough of a realist to know no one but my committee will ever read the thing.)

Am I out of my mind to think I could enjoy writing my dissertation? Embrace it? Revel in it? That I would wish to slow down the rapidly-flipping calendar pages, not because I am worried about getting my approvals done in time, but because I want to savor every moment of a once-in-a-lifetime experience?

Perhaps my guilt and cynicism will return tomorrow. Yet for now I am looking ahead with eager anticipation. I feel that same nervous knot in my stomach I get whenever I’m about to undertake something big, at which I might fail. Though a bit anxious about what the future holds, I can’t wait to see what’s around the next corner. It just might be something better than I ever imagined.